Derek Wayne

SO, I was driving home from San Antonio at night. I was really allowing fear to grip. (When I had that terrible accident with Bella, it was just before Santa Ana). I prayed naturally, called Joel to ask him to "cover me"- he was at home- too sick to come to Xmas at my Mother's- me being the good wife- left him home. I really was thinking about him too much to enjoy my family. But anyway, I stopped in Santa Ana at the Dairy Queen- having gotten past the spooky part. Coming out of the bathroom this man walks up to me- not sure if he had one too many spiked egg nogs and said, " Mam, I like your hair." I said thanks. He proceeded to point to the truck out side of the DerekWayne ( Texan talk) and said, "see my wife out there in the truck, she's got hair just like yours and I just really like it." Hmm. Was God trying to tell me something here? Like see- even after your fearful episode I want you to know I notice the shiny black hairs on your head- even in DerekWayne. I called Joel and said, " Did you pray for that?" Guess you just had to be there.

Funny kid

So I was sitting with my husband trying to enjoy a movie-(The truth is he had never seen Nacho Libre, I was trying to educate him.) Nash kept climbing on me- he is seven and still loves to climb on me. I said Nash why do you love to sit on me so much. He said, " You are the refrigerator and I am the magnet." Is that a compliment? It was funny anyway.

Road Revelations

Driving in the dark. I began to feel like Jack Kerouac. I have often fancied myself one of those roaming writers from the50's, 60's or 70's. I have never been much of a Christmas person. I have always struggled with it- in my adult life. I did have that one awesome Xmas 1976 when Santa bought me that pink Huffy. Sweet. I heard the bells and everything. It was also the year I lost my two front teeth. But back to the road. Back to the stream of consciousness, flight of ideas that the road produces. It is a drug you know. It explains the gypsies, the Dead Heads, and nomads of any type or creed.
So, I have been organizing my thoughts, what direction to go with- the spiritual, the intellectual, the creative, the physical, the natural tendencies and the discipline challenged facets of me. I have been doing a mental house cleaning. I have not been the best housekeeper for several years. I have been actually pretty close to the worst. But I am good at it when I have to. WHen I clean, I have to move furniture. It sort of drives my husband crazy. SO I have to wait til he is not watching to do it. I have big plans for my house this year- so pray for lots of business for Tru Blu so that my house can get a new do.

I have been thinking about prayer- not in the folded hands at dinner sort of way- not at the shout at the devil with a mega phone sort of way either. Just very intentional. I have been praying about direction of involvements and obligations. I pray for several people. Some diligently than others. I want and need a strategy. I want and need a strategy. This could go on for hours.

Part of the reorganization involves my room. I need study space. I discovered that I did not get adequate study time while studying in the same room as my kids after school- hmm. You think it a no brainer. I have always studied with my kids. I actually have been blessed with the ability to do well with little effort- until this year. Then it got really, really , really hard. SO- I must rise to the challenge of organized life. God help us all.

I am going to become the health freak I have always imagined myself being in mid life- yes people I am there. No fancy red car. No plastic surgery (yet) but I am there. Plan for exercise- start with 10 minutes elliptical, 10 minutes bike, 10 minutes floor- 3 min armcurls, 3min lunges, 4 min crunches. Everyday. I will keep you posted. Hopefully in six weeks you can let me know if I need to step it up or start a health club. ( I still think Ginny Hawk should do an exercise show on CBN.)

Lastly, I sincerely want, desire to be a good mother and wife. I have never been a stay at home mom. I am actually intimidated by it. You have to be so creative to find the moral lesson in the simple things. You have to have this never ending patience. I like my personal time. I have to learn how to manage my time with kid time and Honey time. I bought several books about how to smarten my kids- encourage their intellect. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. I already hug and kiss alot.

I thought alot about covering tonight. I pictured my man- husband as a blanket over me. How he was responsible to make sure that even my toes were warm. From the outside in. He is responsible to know and love me. Does that make me equally responsible to love him from the inside out? Am I to make sure all of his exposed lining (he is still a blanket in my mind) is well cared for? Of course. So while I am underneath the covers I will be thinking about how I can keep him happy and warm and secure in our tent.

I might talk more about my holidays later- My favorite is Easter though- maybe then I can capture the moments.

Closing thoughts: Blogging is evolutionary, SuperVolcanoes are scary, Nieces and Nephews are wonderful. I am home.

Pictures

Erica and Trish's WOW table- I think our winter wonderland and christmas night scripure was sweet!




Pics from Joel's trip to Cambodia, then pics from Iron Kitchen to tease until the real ones arrive

There is a time....

Felt like a wild ride this last few days. Elated, dashed hopes, a little bit more hope, another possiblity, another way, miraculous possibility- which I completely believe in. Then the status quo- which is : no ticket, no plan, no trip to Thailand & Cambodia just yet. AM I disappointed? My life is good. I have a wonderful husband that was supportive of the desires of my heart, children that are healthy and beautiful- a little unruly at times, but nothing God, Joel and I cannot handle together. I have plans to prosper, a hope and a future. In my heart, I believe this absolutely, and it is well with my soul.

Now- I was a little quiter yesterday. I sort of needed to be. Here is the truth, Trish is a big chicken. Trish had major fears about flying that far for that long. Thoughts like, the selfish desire of my heart would lead to my death and abandonment of my children without a mother. Oddly enough as I came closer than I have ever been to a probable departure overseas. The fear I used to have was dissolved, replaced with anticipation about the cause of Christ and the goals to glorify God through the plans He laid before me. So, for what ever reason this did not work out this time. I felt truly as though I would be His vessel and it would be right. I trust my Lord. I have patience for whatever cause He orchestrates in my life. I am but an instrument. Though not musical, I am perfectly capable of being used for the application of His peace, healing, mercy, forgiveness, love, thoughtfulness, caring and discipline. (This is very much a confession of faith, in some areas). SO have a great day, I am going to clean and pray over my house today. Probably drink too much coffee, and I will exercise (another confession of faith). xoxox

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” MLKJr.

Cambodia-Thailand

Okay so last night I got the call. Do you want to go to BKK December 31 to help plan two mission trips children's ministry and medical. I am so excited I can hardly breathe. I want to go. It is the desire of my heart to go. But then there is money, right before Christmas. Where will it come from? I spoke to the husband as soon as he got home, he said I he would support it, but I would have to come up with the cash. I have not been working much because of school. I suppose I could learn to work more for a little while. That is not it. I feel like God will provide if He wants me to go. One of the reasons I know that God has allowed me to get my education is to serve HIS children with it. I don't have $1350 to go on the trip. I need to give an answer today. Lord I pray that your will be done. I am a daughter of The King of Kings. With your permission, I will be a companion on this journey.

So much So little So much

Yes, yes yes finito, done, did it. I actually passed the semester- by the grace of God and the skin on my teeth. I cannot believe how hard this semseter has been for me. I had to pray and cry and beg God to help me. I had to visualize the tree being blown to the ground -just for me( a lesson from Spencer). See High in Demand link http://high-in-demand.blogspot.com/2006/12/jan-newsletter-for-church-sneak-preview.html. Anyway, Mia had a dream I passed, then I had a dream I passed the test but failed the semester. It was too much. Our business, our family, our mission trips, our commitments. I overextended. I was past the limit. I lost the strechability (See Starling's Law). Then one day God breathed renewal, life, hope and His purposes back into my heart. Just like taking my hand and saying, "you can do it precious." "I called you to rise. You are not dead, you are just sleeping. You are not burnt out, you are refined. You are my workmanship. My workmanship doesn't give up out of weariness." It was as though He placed me back into His quiver to be placed back in the bow for a direct hit this time. No more wavering, no more obstacles, no weapon formed against me to prosper. I Love GOD- He is the best. He is fantasteek( Nacho Libre fans chime in here). So I got into the car after class and bawled like a baby. I still did not know for sure, and I was tired. I met a buddy at Carino's and I got the call. My instructor , knowing how scared I was, called the house to assure me that I was still in."I will see you next semester. " My sweet husband called me to give me the good news. Whew! Tears of Joy!

Next- I have failed to put pictures of the event of the year for Tru Blu up- as soon as I get some photos from A Little Bling Bling maybe I can share with you. You have heard of Iron Chef- well in Abilene there is Iron Kitchen- a fundraiser from the United Way to benefit women and children of our community. It was a blast.

Hopefully, we can do a little with our Tapas for Thailand Fundraiser next fall. Most of you know we support missionaries Paul and Leah Cypert. More on that later, that is a whole blog series. For details visit their site link- and Leah's got a blog corner too. Now you can get to to her and love her like I do.

Blessings! Hey did I tell you I passed?

Deep to Deep

Deep calls to deep
On reservation land
Deep calls to deep
While I sleep in my bed
Mysteries revealed to a child so frail
While deep calls to deep doth my life unveil
Witness to sorrow and sickness and shame
Eyes that have known a life filled with pain
Deep calls to deep as my spirit is freed
Deep calls to deep
Hand extended in need
Deep calls to deep
When it is hard and alone
When we stand in our stance in our status quo homes
Deep is too deep if one measures with sticks
Deep is to deep
One soothing the soul
As Hope is to Life
That's consumed by the blow
Knowing the life of a truly good man
Deep is to deep
Indiginous circumstance
Deep is to Deep are you there?
Do you know?
Deep is to Deep
From the depths of my soul.


Patricia Munoz Trueblood

A Confession

They say that admission is the first step to recovery. I have a hard time talking about it, but I think this is the right thing to do.
I am an addict. I can't wait for my next fix. My next time to experience the high of a Mountain.

Here goes..I have to, almost need to watch the Walton's as often as I can. I know what your thinking. How can you find the time to luxuriously long for the Blue Ridge of Virginia- for Walton's Mountain, for the seven red headed children? I love John Boy, he wants to be a writer you know. I love Olivia, she learned to drive just so she could paint, Even though Grandma thought it foolish for a woman to drive. I love the way her husband loves her, and the way Grandpa loves life and the way the whole family loves each other, even when they poke fun. I love how they quote scripture and I love they way they walk around without shoes on. It is just too much. I am halfway through season three. I think I should go ahead and order season four before I run out. See what I mean, I am addicted. Words of wisdom, anyone?

Epidemiology

What is that- well it just so happens after this semester, I can almost tell you-it is the study of the patterns, causes, and control of disease in groups of people. It is sotra like CSI. We did our big presentation today- group project. Tuberculosis in Texas Correction Systems. It was great to be done. I think even in something as dry sounding as epidemiology. There is a beauty that is just dying to be recognized. Patterns-I have always been fascinated with patterns. Natural beauty in the earth, in flowers, in microbiology and landscape, disease as ugly as it can be also follows patterns. For the trained eye or one who appreciates patterns, information can be discovered than can and do save lives. TB is one scary dude. So many nations in the world are affected, including the United States. The big mean brother in the TB family is Drug Resistant. I learned so much being involved with this project from surveillance to strategy, from genotyping to geography. There is some great work being done out there. There is so much more to go. Please be informed. Be wary of coughers, especially persons not from the US. The prevalence of TB is so much higher in other countries. Go to the CDC website when you are curious. You will find everything you ever wanted to know about any disease, and probably some things you wish you did not know. We have to care. We have to be aware of ways that lives can be destroyed. Like they say- an ounce of prevention.....

Yuk stuff Good stuff

Today, I felt human. Imperfect. Foot in the mouth. Missed the point, let some people down. (Felt every centimeter of the distance down.) I did on the up side make some really good tortillas. I make great tortillas. I may stink at relationships, but in tortilla land- I am the Man!

Sometimes, I think we look at ourselves with humility which is good, but then we get hung up on the magnifying mirror that somehow makes a tiny red bump look like GODZILLA on steroids. Why is that? Why can't I just say, I had not as good a day today as I will have tomorrow. I will feel good- I will not be sick, I will not be cursed. I will trust the Lord to allow His Holy Spirit to prompt me into action for whatever is required of me. I will be joyful. I will be grateful. I will be thankful. I will be loving. I will, I will, I will. Help me Lord to be all that you called me to be. Help me to not get so caught up in myself that I miss your point of being free. Empower me with your strength. Help me to walk in forgiveness as well as be forgiven. Grace, Mercy, all of you so that I might in turn be able to give it out what you give me and truly be the vessel, that instrument that transports peace, healing and wholeness.

I was reading the Bible and trying to figure out how faith in healing were so integrated. How often Jesus refererred to "your faith that made you well." Or something similar. In some versions the words are that you are made "whole". It dawned on me that until you are able to receive your healing. Until you are able to admit you are in need- there is a good chance you will walk around in parts. 8 tenths of a pizza pie- not a whole pizza pie. Until you have full faith in healing and being healed, you cannot see yourself "all the way". Father I want to see myself complete in your healing. I want more faith to FILL me completely so that I might understand all that I have missed in my life by not having enough faith. Please help me. I do believe.

List

It is a good day.
Nothing extraordinary or profound.
It is well with my soul.
The wind is blowing sweetly.
I am in a calm peace. The tinkling of the wind chimes.
Perfect still.
I am about to begin my day of errands and tasks.
This moment is about to pass
I will do all that I have to - no more, no less.
No list.
I think I was born to challenge list oriented people in some ways.
I rarely wear a watch, it is as though they elude me. I get one, it breaks, I lose it or it escapes me.
I do sense time, I do cherish moments. I do appreciate, respect and admire the integrity of all of the list lovers.
But I am content with my blank page of ebb and flow, easy come and easy go, way to feel about today,
God still loves me anyway, gives me grace to accomplish and pray for life, love, prosperity, protection, provision, pastors, parents, health, happiness, hope, missionaries, meals, marriage, mercy,miracles, children.
Okay so if that was list, it wasn't my idea, God is just funny that way.

I think I can...

In reference to my painful educational process...

I have discovered that I was resolved to quitting. And it was okay with me. The weird part about it is that it was such a painful resolution that I was literally sick. Stressed and feeling pretty yuk.
Then one day, over the course of several flags in the form of people and prayers, my soul resonated with an answer to my question. DO I really need to finish? Someone that I am not very close to took the time to write me a personal and moving account of her angst in this course plan for our education. Apparently, she is in a similar situation. She is just more resolved to finishing than I was until last Sunday. It soooo made me cry. Not that it is so hard to make me cry- just that it was moving and I am girlie. I finally realized that I was a waffle. Flipping over whenever it got too hot on one side. I just made it a comfortable place to go to in my mind- quitting was like real life. Where completion was like death. Being seared to charred on one side and raw on the other. Truly, If I just remained steadfast and "Stood Firm" I would complete without being burned. I was an arrow with a crooked spine, my feathers were ruffled and I in no way could hit the target. Once I realized that GOD did not allow me this far to fail me & that it was I who failed Him by doubting the grace He has given me to serve Him in this capacity- Then I got my rooftop epiphany of "go for it!" Finish well, finish. He is faithful to see me to completion. My children will know that I love them- they are well cared for. There may be some minor sacrifices, but it will be okay. All is well with my soul. Thanks to My GOD, my family and a few fearless friendflags. Whew! Pray for success.

I am the Hulk? Wow- I was hoping for WonderWoman!

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk 80% Green Lantern 80% Spider-Man 65% Wonder Woman 65% Superman 65% Batman 60% Robin 55% Supergirl 55% The Flash 50% Iron Man 30% Catwoman 10%

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Time to Understand

DO you ever wonder what motivates people in their freedom to approach people regarding situations? I do.
I have a friend whose adult child committed suicide. Painful. Losing a child, at any time is incomprehensible to all but the unfortunate that have to experience it.

I had this habit- ritual- if you will, with all three of my babies. I would stare at their newborn to infant faces, trying to memorize them. They were so beautiful. The features, faces, fingers and breaths were such an awesome reminder of my entering into the miracle God -the creation and birthing of life. I knew more acutely with each child how,try as I may, I would never completely memorize them. That somehow they would change right before my eyes and grow. They are still beautiful to me, but they never grow as fast as the first year of life.

Anyway back to my friend. People are calling her- three months after the death of her young adult child, admitting their battles with depression.

Why? She is still hurting. She is still mourning. She does not want to counsel. She- is trying to remember everything about the time with her baby, child, teenager, young adult. She is probably yearning to look at his face, to love all over again from birth. She trying to not blame herself for decisions or interactions that might have been hurtful. Her educated head tells her it has nothing to do with her- her heart, just hurts. Needs to heal.

I know she is numb to their "needs" right now, cause it just hurts too much to go there. It just reminds me of something another friends' grandmother said, "God keeps a bottle for your tears." I believe that my friend will heal. I believe she will use that tincture from her tears to minister to others, that are emotionally or physically wounded. But for now, I pray she simply heals. That God's peace that surpasses ALL understanding envelop her. I pray that she knows the presence of the Holy Spirit anointing her for such a time as this. That as she guides other young people into their development of their called or chosen profession, she is restored with a sense of God given purpose as a healer, teacher, giver of care, lover of beauty and beautiful qualities, and as an instrument of peace.

In the midst of all my junk and circumstance- she is that to me. She may not think so, but she still shines.

TangerineTInselbreeze

I really don't have time to blog, but I am doing it anyway. I am frustrated. I feel that my goal of getting my nurse practioner is "murderizing my mommyhood". And I have this sense of time slipping through my fingers. Yet at the same time, I have such an appreciation for education and treatment of those in need of healthcare that I can't stop. I know what my priorities should be. My immediate sphere of influence. However, I am two semesters shy of completion. This is such a painfully revealing time for me. I read about cultural nursing, where this PhD prepared woman observed the Peoples Republic of China and reported that they were so innately aware of taking care of themselves that speaking of preventative health maintenance was a mute point. There were no words to convey- health maintenance. They practiced Tai Chi and walked around barefoot and were at peace with their lives. It was poetic and beautiful" as though they were one with the earth." I often wonder if all of the strife I have toward wanting to get people healthy (as a nurse practioner) is a mute point if I am not balanced. I kept trying to convince myself that if I could just get done- finished. I can have that garden and read books and be involved with a community of believers.I could have a super clean house, help my husband with his, our business. I could do my part to serve God and love my family. Sounds like a pipe dream. lalalalala. I am doing all that stuff and then some. School is suffering. I think I might just be getting a little burnt. Pray for me. I know God opened these doors. I just want to know if my foot in the jam is holding that almost shut door open now or if HE really wants me to finish.

Soul Searching

Soul Searching

Soul misplaced, left by the door on the way out to find another way to some other place of refuge and tentative fun, please return if found.

What does this mean?
Does it mean you have misplaced your soul?
Depends on context.
Does it mean you have lost your goal?
Depends on context.
Does it mean you must go away?
Depends on your quest.

To search for a soul that has not really been lost is to search for a purpose to which all cost of pride and pretense is hidden under the agenda of redressed calendars and busyness creating out of order, on the border, short order delegations, belated miscommunications & foot in the mouth orations.

Or it could really mean you do not know your purpose yet and thoughts of flight are in your head? Many people often think that it is better to leave to find a fit of circumstance that suits an easier match of who they perceive themselves to be.

A soul is not a shoe broken in that fits so well it is defined by you.
A soul is not a garment or hat that must have an occasion to complete the set.
A soul is not a friend in need, or a book and a fire or meal that’s free.

I once was lost , but now I am found
I did not need to find it in a boat
I did not need to find it with a goat
I did not find it here or there
I did not find it anywhere
Rather odd how my soul met me in the last place I looked
The very place I left it
By the door of the heart of God

I knocked not
I sought not truth
And found lies
In the quiet solitude of painful loneliness
It was revealed
That if I knocked
And I sought
Despite myself
I would find
That which I never knew I could have had, had I never left
Circle Divine Circle Complete Circle of Love

The ones I love!

FIRE DREAMS

Tonight, I sat and watched the fire
Mira la lumbre- look at the fire
She dances with pride
The flames of her dress
Raise passion’s fenced attire
The wife of her lover, friend. husband sits in the slow of the night
Father of her child
Gathered the fruitwood
And set it to flame in the smoker

“Would you watch it til it dies down?”

Out comes the girl-

Brother needs you….

“Send him to me”

“Son, mira la lumbre”

“Lumbre“is fire

“I love you mom”

I love you too.
“What sounds do you hear?” asks the girl with a smile
I hear the fire crackling, the crickets- and the buzz of the light on the post- do you hear the leaves in the trees? No, there is no wind tonight.
The fire has waned
La lumbre se duerme-The fire is asleep

Time for dreams of our own…

But tonight was a golden dipped as we three sat, flames reflected in six eyes, in the slow of the night, I grasp at the hands on time’s clock face- stop and let us love this moment into eternity- remember this now, as I hold your almost ,too big for my lap body and gently rock as we watch the patterns turn from Samba to Waltz, then final bow- remind me when I am old.
I will tuck this under my pillow tonight for tomorrow it will be past.
Juice for the dreamer
Fuel for the….

Patricia Munoz Trueblood August 16, 2006

Riding the Night Winds

What a great book- what a great title. Always so moved by Nikki Giovanni. I wish I had though of it. But since she was born before me- and lived a life I know not of - I suppose it's cool she thought of it and published it . Me, I think some thoughts on my own plane of vision. I have never tried to publish, partly because I think that I am not well read enough to know that perhaps, it has already been said. So here is my venue. I get to have my cafe and eat it too- poetry now from me to you.