Tuesday, November 28, 2006


It is a good day.
Nothing extraordinary or profound.
It is well with my soul.
The wind is blowing sweetly.
I am in a calm peace. The tinkling of the wind chimes.
Perfect still.
I am about to begin my day of errands and tasks.
This moment is about to pass
I will do all that I have to - no more, no less.
No list.
I think I was born to challenge list oriented people in some ways.
I rarely wear a watch, it is as though they elude me. I get one, it breaks, I lose it or it escapes me.
I do sense time, I do cherish moments. I do appreciate, respect and admire the integrity of all of the list lovers.
But I am content with my blank page of ebb and flow, easy come and easy go, way to feel about today,
God still loves me anyway, gives me grace to accomplish and pray for life, love, prosperity, protection, provision, pastors, parents, health, happiness, hope, missionaries, meals, marriage, mercy,miracles, children.
Okay so if that was list, it wasn't my idea, God is just funny that way.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I think I can...

In reference to my painful educational process...

I have discovered that I was resolved to quitting. And it was okay with me. The weird part about it is that it was such a painful resolution that I was literally sick. Stressed and feeling pretty yuk.
Then one day, over the course of several flags in the form of people and prayers, my soul resonated with an answer to my question. DO I really need to finish? Someone that I am not very close to took the time to write me a personal and moving account of her angst in this course plan for our education. Apparently, she is in a similar situation. She is just more resolved to finishing than I was until last Sunday. It soooo made me cry. Not that it is so hard to make me cry- just that it was moving and I am girlie. I finally realized that I was a waffle. Flipping over whenever it got too hot on one side. I just made it a comfortable place to go to in my mind- quitting was like real life. Where completion was like death. Being seared to charred on one side and raw on the other. Truly, If I just remained steadfast and "Stood Firm" I would complete without being burned. I was an arrow with a crooked spine, my feathers were ruffled and I in no way could hit the target. Once I realized that GOD did not allow me this far to fail me & that it was I who failed Him by doubting the grace He has given me to serve Him in this capacity- Then I got my rooftop epiphany of "go for it!" Finish well, finish. He is faithful to see me to completion. My children will know that I love them- they are well cared for. There may be some minor sacrifices, but it will be okay. All is well with my soul. Thanks to My GOD, my family and a few fearless friendflags. Whew! Pray for success.

Monday, November 13, 2006

I am the Hulk? Wow- I was hoping for WonderWoman!

Your results:
You are Hulk

Green Lantern
Wonder Woman
The Flash
Iron Man
You are a wanderer with
amazing strength.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero am I?" quiz...

Friday, November 10, 2006

Time to Understand

DO you ever wonder what motivates people in their freedom to approach people regarding situations? I do.
I have a friend whose adult child committed suicide. Painful. Losing a child, at any time is incomprehensible to all but the unfortunate that have to experience it.

I had this habit- ritual- if you will, with all three of my babies. I would stare at their newborn to infant faces, trying to memorize them. They were so beautiful. The features, faces, fingers and breaths were such an awesome reminder of my entering into the miracle God -the creation and birthing of life. I knew more acutely with each child how,try as I may, I would never completely memorize them. That somehow they would change right before my eyes and grow. They are still beautiful to me, but they never grow as fast as the first year of life.

Anyway back to my friend. People are calling her- three months after the death of her young adult child, admitting their battles with depression.

Why? She is still hurting. She is still mourning. She does not want to counsel. She- is trying to remember everything about the time with her baby, child, teenager, young adult. She is probably yearning to look at his face, to love all over again from birth. She trying to not blame herself for decisions or interactions that might have been hurtful. Her educated head tells her it has nothing to do with her- her heart, just hurts. Needs to heal.

I know she is numb to their "needs" right now, cause it just hurts too much to go there. It just reminds me of something another friends' grandmother said, "God keeps a bottle for your tears." I believe that my friend will heal. I believe she will use that tincture from her tears to minister to others, that are emotionally or physically wounded. But for now, I pray she simply heals. That God's peace that surpasses ALL understanding envelop her. I pray that she knows the presence of the Holy Spirit anointing her for such a time as this. That as she guides other young people into their development of their called or chosen profession, she is restored with a sense of God given purpose as a healer, teacher, giver of care, lover of beauty and beautiful qualities, and as an instrument of peace.

In the midst of all my junk and circumstance- she is that to me. She may not think so, but she still shines.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


I really don't have time to blog, but I am doing it anyway. I am frustrated. I feel that my goal of getting my nurse practioner is "murderizing my mommyhood". And I have this sense of time slipping through my fingers. Yet at the same time, I have such an appreciation for education and treatment of those in need of healthcare that I can't stop. I know what my priorities should be. My immediate sphere of influence. However, I am two semesters shy of completion. This is such a painfully revealing time for me. I read about cultural nursing, where this PhD prepared woman observed the Peoples Republic of China and reported that they were so innately aware of taking care of themselves that speaking of preventative health maintenance was a mute point. There were no words to convey- health maintenance. They practiced Tai Chi and walked around barefoot and were at peace with their lives. It was poetic and beautiful" as though they were one with the earth." I often wonder if all of the strife I have toward wanting to get people healthy (as a nurse practioner) is a mute point if I am not balanced. I kept trying to convince myself that if I could just get done- finished. I can have that garden and read books and be involved with a community of believers.I could have a super clean house, help my husband with his, our business. I could do my part to serve God and love my family. Sounds like a pipe dream. lalalalala. I am doing all that stuff and then some. School is suffering. I think I might just be getting a little burnt. Pray for me. I know God opened these doors. I just want to know if my foot in the jam is holding that almost shut door open now or if HE really wants me to finish.