The Void

“You were a quiet little girl- do you remember me when you were little?”
“No, you worked a lot.”

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The Void: A Silent Conversation


Where were you when she was born?
I was working, well I was there for a little while
I remember her when they handed her to me
She smiled
Have you ever seen a newborn smile?

I had to work
I needed insurance
They all needed insurance.
What about when she crawled for the first time?
When she took her first steps?
Said her first words?
I did breast feed her for six months
I pumped as long as I produced milk
I didn’t notice that she was really hungry until she started smacking her lips when people were eating around her
She was beautiful
I remember her little white and pink face
Her black tuft of hair
She was so sweet
She grew fast
She was wild
Not like the first
She was unpredictable
Red boots in training pants
Climbing fences
I wrote a country song about her once, I didn't even like country

Fast forward……more void

Working again?
Didn’t stop, just more hours, needed the money, who doesn’t?
Too tired to notice new teeth
She slept through the night very early- I worked nights
She was quiet
I didn’t teach her much after moon and nose and eyes
She went to a decent school
I didn’t read much more than Runaway Bunny and Goodnight Moon
Dr Seuss was always fun

What about the others?
Oh.
They are also a blur, a shadow, pictures jog a little.

Why is it that time goes so fast when you look back, but so slowly while you are watching the sand fall, day in day out?
If I could go back in time…I would do it differently
I would remember not to forget all the firsts and lasts
I would enjoy more than complain
I would talk to and not at
I would listen to them and look into their eyes
Pleading with them to be filled with the sense of my love
I am their mother
I want good things for them
I was wrong in that other life
I cannot undo being gone

God help me to be present in the now of what you have given me
Help me not to hurt over failures and indifference of the past
Help me to be strong in standing in the center of your fountain of love in my family
In my place
My home
It is not a prison
It is a gift
It is your gift to me
Thank you
As I stroke their sleeping cheeks and tears roll gently into tomorrow’s lifewave
Let me ride high on the surfboard of motherhood
High Tide
Good ride…..No Fear




Trish Trueblood